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Canadian  Institute  for  Historical  Microreproductions  /  Institut  Canadian  de  microreproductions  historiques 


Technical  and  Bibliographic  Notes  /  Notes  techniques  et  bibllographiques 


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[Zl 


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I      I   Covers  damaged  / 


Couverture  endommag^e 


□   Covers  restored  and/or  laminated  / 
Couverture  restaur^e  et/ou  pellicul^e 

Cover  title  missing  /  Le  titre  de  couverture  manque 

I I   Coloured  maps  /  Cartes  g6ographiques  en  couleur 

r~7]   Coloured  ink  (i.e.  other  than  blue  or  black)  / 


D 
D 
D 


Encre  de  couleur  (i.e.  autre  que  bleue  ou  noire) 

Coloured  plates  and/or  illustrations  / 
Planches  et/ou  illustrations  en  couleur 

Bound  with  other  material  / 
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D 


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int6rieure. 

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ographique,  qui  peuvent  modifier  une  image  reproduite, 
ou  qui  peuvent  exiger  une  modification  dans  la  m6tho- 
de  normaie  de  filmage  sont  indiqu^s  ci-dessous. 

I     \  Coloured  pages  /  Pages  de  couleur 

I I   Pages  damaged  /  Pages  endommag^i 


es 


D 


Pages  restored  and/or  laminated  / 
Pages  restaur^es  et/ou  pellicul^es 


0   Pages  discoloured,  stained  or  foxed  / 
Pages  d^olor^es,  tachet^es  ou  piqu^es 

I      [   Pages  detached  /  Pages  d6tach6es 

I  /[   Showthrough  / Transparence 

I      I   Quality  of  print  varies  / 


D 
D 


D 


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Includes  supplementary  material  / 
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obtenir  la  meilleure  image  possible. 

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colorations  variables  ou  des  decolorations  sont 
film6es  deux  fois  afin  d'obtenir  la  meilleure  image 
possible. 


t^'^^;i^ 


^jt 


This  item  Is  filmed  at  the  reduction  ratio  checked  below  / 

Ce  document  est  (ilme  au  taux  de  reduction  indiqu4  ci-destous. 


lOx 


14x 


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26x 


30x 


12x 


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20x 


24x 


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32x 


Th«  copy  filmed  here  has  been  reproduced  thanks 
to  the  generosity  of: 

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The  images  appearing  here  are  the  best  quality 
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Original  copies  in  printed  paper  covers  are  filmed 
beginning  with  the  front  cover  and  ending  on 
the  last  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impree- 
sion,  or  the  back  cover  when  appropriate.  All 
other  original  copies  are  filmed  beginning  on  the 
first  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impres- 
sion, and  ending  on  the  last  page  with  a  printed 
or  illustrated  impression. 


The  last  recorded  frame  on  each  microfiche 
shell  contain  the  symbol  — ^  (meaning  "CON- 
TINUED"), or  the  symbol  V  (meaning  "END"), 
whichever  applies. 

Maps,  plates,  charts,  etc.,  may  be  filmed  at 
different  reduction  ratios.  Those  too  large  to  be 
entirely  included  in  one  exposure  are  filmed 
beginning  in  the  upper  left  hand  correr,  left  to 
right  and  top  to  bottom,  as  many  frames  as 
required.  The  following  diagrams  illustrate  the 
method: 


1 

2 

3 

1 

2 

4 

5 

L'exemplaire  film^  fut  reproduit  grace  k  la 
gAnirositA  de: 

Bibliotheque  nationale  du  Canada 


Las  images  suivantes  ont  ixi  reproduites  avec  le 
plus  grand  soin,  compte  tenu  de  la  condition  et 
de  la  nenetA  de  Texemplaire  film^,  at  en 
conformity  avec  las  conditions  du  contrat  de 
fllmage. 

Les  exemplaires  originaux  dont  la  couverture  en 
papier  est  impn'mAe  sont  film^s  en  commandant 
par  le  premier  plat  et  en  terminant  soit  par  la 
derniAre  page  qu*  comporte  une  empremte 
d'impression  ou  d'illustration,  soit  par  le  second 
plat,  salon  le  cas.  Tous  les  autres  exemplaires 
originaux  sont  film^s  en  commenpant  par  la 
premiere  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impression  ou  d'illustration  et  en  terminant  par 
la  dernfdre  page  qui  comporte  une  tel'e 
empreinte. 

Un  des  symboles  suivants  apparaitra  sur  la 
derniAre  image  da  cheque  microfiche,  selon  le 
cas:  le  symbole  — ^  signifie  "A  SUIVRE".  le 
symbola  V  signifie  "FIN". 

Les  canes,  planches,  tableaux,  etc..  peuvent  etre 
filmAs  A  des  taux  de  reduction  diff^rents. 
Lorsque  la  document  est  trop  grand  pour  etre 
reproduit  en  un  seul  cliche,  il  est  iWmi  ^  partir 
de  Tangle  supArieur  gauche,  de  gauche  h  droite. 
et  de  haut  en  bas,  en  prenant  te  nombre 
d'images  nicessaire.  Les  diagrammes  suivants 
illustrent  la  m^thode. 


2  3 

5  6 


MICROCOPY    RESOLUTION   TEST   CHART 

(ANSI  ond  ISO  TEST  CHART  No   2) 


1.0 


I.I 


1.4 


2.5 

12.2 

2.0 
1.8 


1.6 


^^  'b'Di    EasI    Mam    Street 

^^S  Rochestef.   Ne*   »ork         '  *609       uSA 

'-^  (^16)    48^-   OJOO  -  Phone 

^S  f^'6)   '88  -  5989   -  Fa. 


Govcriiment 


\AU 


A  BOOK  OF  BALLADS 

ty  Charles  Gordon  Ro*/ers 


/ 


GOVERNMENT 
CLERKS    ^    ^ 

A  BOOK  of  BALLADS 
By  Charles  Gordon  Rogers 


Internadonal  Copyright  190*  by  Charles  Gordon  Rogers 

Press  ^Andrew  H.   Kellogg 
409  Pearl  Street   />   />    New  York 


CONTENTS. 

Aurella 3 

Ballad  of  Monsieur  L'Tweeleree ig 

Diaphanous  Day 81 

Double  Foolscap 88 

Oubbins 27 

Jack  O'Dee  26 

Jim  Potter 12 

Punctual  83 

Richard  and  Robert 11 

Stella  24 

Superannuated  16 

Tapeley  86 

Tickety-Touch  .   g 

The  Wise  Guy 21 

The  Workaday  Government  Clerk 1 

Toung  DrWel  S 


The  Workaday  Government  Clerk, 

HERE'S  to  the  workaday  gOTemment  clerk. 
Who  does  to  the  govemment's  credit  hla 
work; 
Trudging  each  day  a  monotoDoua  track, 
Forward  and  backward  and  forward  and  back ; 
Pegging  away  at  the  ancient  routine, — 
(Much  ia  accomplished  where  little  ia  seen); 
Arduous  labor  and  technical  work, — 
Here's  to  the  workaday  goyemment  clerk 

Here's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk, 
Gray-headed,  bald-headed,  florid  or  dark; 
Stoopy  men,  droopy  men,  little  and  big. 
Work  again,  home  again,  jiggety  Jig! 
Old  in  the  Service  or  young  at  the  game. 
What  ai3  the  odds  if  the  end  is  the  same? 
Whether  his  hope  be  a  flame  or  a  spark. 
Hero's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk! 

Here's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk. 
Doing  his  best  without  shamming  or  shirk. 
Whether  his  children  or  dollars  Increase, 
Whether  he  asketh  or  holdeth  his  peace. 
Whether  he  getteth  promotion  or  (p)ralse, 
Doing  his  best  to  the  end  of  his  days. 
Too  thorough  to  fail  and  too  honest  to  shirk. 
Here's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk! 


Here's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk! 
Daily  he  maketh  (on  paper)  his  mark. 
Whether  he  getteth  or  not  what  be  ought. 
Earning  it,  burning  It,  (comforting  thought!) 
Paying  his  debts  with  apportioning  care. 
Or  banking  a  bit  while  the  weather  Is  fair, 
Making  each  pay-day  bis  reckoning  mark, 
Here's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk! 


THE  WORKADAY  OOVERSMENT  OLERK. 

Here's  to  the  workaday  government  clerk! 
The  people  employ  him,  and  scoff  at  his  work. 
If  he  go  shabby,  "  a  miserly  blade!  " 
If  he  dress  well,  "  Ah,  too  well  is  he  paid!  " 
His  affairs  unofficial  are  his,  and  alone; 
He's  doing  your  business  and  minding  h!<)  own. 
And  as  long  as  he  does  to  your  credit  his  work. 
Here  it  to  the  workaday  government  clerk! 


^ 


c/hitelia.. 


AURELIA  Amabel  Wray 
Was  a  typist,  expert  and  fair: 
With  limpid  and  luminous  eyea  of  gray. 
That  she  used  in  a  wonderful,  wondering  way, 
And  glorious  goldene  hair. 


Charming  Aurelia  Wray 

Would  make  a  most  lovable  rib. 
She  was  twenty-two  on  her  last  birthday, 
(I  am  going  by  just  what  the  blue  booko  say). 

And  blue  books,  of  course,  can't  fib. 

Tender  Aurciia  Wray 

Was  soft  on  a  clerk  named  Wright, 
Who  worked  In  an  ofBce  across  the  way, 
Shorthanded,  and  hard,  at  a  Junior's  pay. 

And  often  went  back  at  night 

Aurella  Amabel  Wray 

Was  vexed  for  a  Wright  good  reason. 
For  fte  had  gone  wrong  on  Fidelia  Fay, 
Who  "  typed  "  for  another  department's  pay. 

Which  was  semi-official  treason. 


Lieutenant  Aurelia  Wray 

Unfettered  one  morning's  mail; 
For  the  Secretary  had  Grippe  that  day. 
And  the  Chief  with  ftls  grip  had  been  called  away,- 

And  hangeth  thereby  my  tale. 

Suspicious  Aurelia  Wray 

Broke  the  seal  of  a  "  confidential "; 
For  the  writing  was  feminine,  fine  and  "  Fay," 
And  she  had  to  see  what  «fte  had  to  say, — 

Though  she  knew  It  was  not  essential. 


AUKELIA. 


Smiling  Aurelia  Wray 

Read  the  note  to  Its  end — fideUter. 
And  its  end  was  ashes,  and  fine,  and  gray. 
And  Fidelia  thinks  that  It  went  astray.— 

For  who  in  the  world  could  tell  it  her? 


Strategic  Aurelia  Wray 

Stole  Fidelia's  "  transfer  "  thunder. 
And  she  robed  herself  in  her  best  array. 
And  she  added  a  blush  when  she  called  that  day, 

Though  her  own  cool  cheek  lay  under. 

Smit  with  official  delight 

Was  the  august  Head  with  Aurelia; 
And  he  made  a  memo  in  black  and  white. 
When  she  asked  for  that  "  transfer  "  to  work  with 
Wright, 

And  she  got  it— to  spite  Fidelia. 

False,  for  Aurelia  Wray, 

Was  Wright  to  the  wronged  Fidelia; 
And  he  works  less  hard,  and  for  better  pay. 
Though  he  never  goes  back  at  night,  they  say. 

For  both  are  controlled  by  Aurelia. 


uC^ 


Young  Drivel 


YOUNG  Drivel  was  a  C.  S.  clerk; 
Young  Drivel  hated  C.  S.  work; 
That  Is,  the  work  he'd  do  each  day. 
For  which  each  month  he  drew  his  pay. 

Young  Drivel  came  at  half -past  nine; 
(That  is  the  hour  he  would  sign) ; 
Young  Drivel  left  quite  sharp  at  four; 
The  office  did  not  aak  for  more. 


Young  Drivel  hated,  as  I've  said, 
The  work  undone  that  gave  him  bread. 
Young  Drivel  loved  the  social  swim 
His  sinecure  afforded  him. 

Yourg  Drivel  scanned  the  morning  news 
The  social  column  to  peruse. 
Young  Drivel  thought  it  proper  fame 
To  find  in  such  a  niche  his  name. 


To  driving  party,  tea,  or  ball, 
To  dinner,  rout,  or  Rideau  Hall, 
Young  Drivel  dearly  loved  to  go, 
And  deep  in  debt  to  have  it  so. 

Young  Drivel  lunched  ac  half-past  one. 
Like  any  other  social  gun; 
Young  Drivel  smoked  his  visage  green. 
And  sauntered  back  at  three-fifteen. 

Or  if  he  found  some  pleasure  call. 
He  would  not  saunter  back  at  all. 
Perhaps  he'd  meet  some  nice  young  ladies, 
And  let  the  office  "  go  to  Hades." 


YOUyO  DRIVEL. 

The  story  In  a  current  in.  g, 
The  glory  of  a  current  jag. 
Made  proper  pastime,  that  delay 
Evolved  into  a  holiday. 

Or  if  inclined,  he'd  take  a  cue, 
(It  was  the  only  one  he  knew), 
And  idle  o'er  a  game  of  pool, 
(Where  anglers  often  drown  the  fool). 

Young  Drivel  met  a  stranger  there. 
He  had  a  most  distinguished  air, 
And,  if  appearances  may  tell, 
He  was  a  tip-top,  howling  swell. 


Young  Drivel  asked — I've  sllpptfi".  the  name — 
If  he  would  like  to  have  a  game; 
And  as  it  was  but  half-past  two, 
The  kindly  stranger  took  a  cue. 


1 


Young  Drivel  talked,  young  Drivel  played. 
And  marveled  at  the  shots  he  made! 
The  Btranror  marked,  and  marveled,  too. 
And  put  more  chalk  upon  his  cue. 

Young  Drivel  talked  official  woes. 
Relating  why  he  never  rose; 
And,  with  his  wrongs  before  him  red. 
He  damned  the  Departmental  Head. 

Young  Drivel  sent  for  cocktails,  too; 
The  stranger  smiled,  and  chalked  his  cue; 
Young  Drivel  drank,  young  Drivel  talked; 
The  sympathetic  stranger  clialked. 


Young  Drivel  for  more  cocktails  sent. 
And  raved  of  "  pull "  and  "  preferment." 
He  told  some  cock-and-bull  tales,  too; 
The  stranger  winked  and  chalked  his  cue. 

e 


YOUNQ   DRIVEL. 


TouDg  Drivel  did  not  come  next  day 
To  work;  It  was  his  little  way. 
He  bad,  and  so  he  stayed  In  bed, 
A  sort  of  unofficial  "  head." 


11 


Young  Drivel  got  a  letter  there; 

It  had  a  large,  official  air: 

Seal,  frank,  and  file,  and  foolscap  blue — 

Which  seemed  to  fit  young  Drivel,  too. 


Toung  Drivel's  cure  was  past  belief; 
He  went  post-haste  to  see  his  chief; 
Because  that  "stranger"  chanced  to  be 
Toung  Drivel's  brand  new  Deputee  ! 


{; 


Tickety-Touch, 


COMING  along  to  the  time  halt-way, 
It's  a  fortnight  good,  between 
The  pay-day  past  and  the  next  month's  pay 
Of  the  short-in-the-hand  long  green; 
When  you  haven't  a  dollar  loaned  out  to  a  friend, 

(If  you  had  would  it  benefit  you?) 
And  you  haven't  a  bill  in  your  pocket  (to  spend), 
Why,  this  Is  the  cud  you  chew: 


i, 


Oh,  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!    No  matter  which  way 

you  turn, 
And  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!  and  bills  on  your  desk 

to  burn! 
Whatever  your  pay  or  position,  or  whether  you're 

high  or  low, 
Because  you  are  "in  the  Service,"  you're  a  target 

for  Touch  and  Co. 


t 

i       ; 

'n 
I 


It  isn't  the  touch  of  your  creditor,  mind. 

For  that  is  a  touch  that  goes; 
He  took  us  on  trust,  which  was  going  It  blind, 

For  fuel  and  food  and  clothes; 
It  isn't  the  touch  of  his  calling  man, 

(Poor  beggar,  to  call  so  much!) 
It's  the  manifold  touch  on  the  quarter-ly  plan. 

The  tickety-tickety-touch. 


When  it's  touch!    touch!   touch!    Please  take  some 

tickets  from  me! 
And  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!    Our  church  is  In  debt. 

(So  are  we!) 
So  sorry  you  cannot  use  them,  you  will  miss  the 

treat  of  your  lite! 
It's    the    money    we    want,    and    the    tickets,— (Oh, 

thanks! )  we  can  sell  again— to  your  wife. 

8 


TICKETY-TOVCH. 


There's  the  touc     of  the  sturdy  cripples; 

(How  well  the  poor  beggars  must  feed! ) 
There's  the  touch  of  the  man  who  tipples: 

(And  werry  much,  sir,  in  need!) 
There's  the  orphan's  appeal,  in  verses; 

There's  the  man  who  is  buying  a  crutch; 
But  the  frequentest  touc'    on  the  purse  Is 

The  tickety-tickety-touch. 

And  it's  touch!   touch!   touch!   for  tombola,  bazaar 

and  ball, 
Where  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!  and  "Charity"  cov- 

ereth  all. 
Concert  and  tableaux  and  "opera,"  the  expenses  the 

profits  have  hived; 
But  it's  all  for  the  glory  of  giving, — and  the  fun  the 

performers  derived. 

There  are  touches,  on  monthly  payment. 

For  author  and  magazine; 
There  are  peddlers  of  things  of  raiment; 

There  are  sellers  of  soaps  that  clean; 
There  are  touches  for  loans  in  hallways; 

There  are  raffles  and  drawings,  and  such; 
But  the  touch  that  abldeth  always 

Is  the  tickety-tickety-touch. 

When  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!  for  the  good  of  our 

Parish  P., 
And  it's  to'ich!    touch!    touch!    for  a  trip  o'er  the 

bounding  sea. 
A  purse-ian  lamb  coat  for  the  winter;  and  a  sermon 

for  those  who  shiver 
That  it's  far  less  blessed,  though  warmer,  to  be  the 

receiver  than  giver. 

There  are  strawberry  socials  at  Blankville; 

Lawn  parties  wherever  you  range; 
Bazaars  where  the  rate  on  a  bank  bill 

Is  one  hundred  per  cent  ex-change; 
There  are  touches  in  suburb  and  city. 

From  the  price  of  a  bat  t    j.  Hutch; 
So  preserve  us,  good  Lord,  in  thy  pity 

From  the  infinite  tickety-toucb! 


TICKETY-TOVOH. 

For  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!  And  they  laugh  when 
you  say  you  are  broke. 

And  it's  touch!  touch!  touch!  Was  there  ever  a  Jol- 
lier Joke? 

Don't  say  that  your  pocket  Is  empty,  don't  tell  'em 
you  cannot  go; 

Some  friend  (poor  old  mutf!)  you,  must  "touch  "  for 
the  stuff — ijut  surrender  to  Touch  and  Co. 


M 


^chard  and  Robert. 


THEiRE  were  two  brothers  who  went  to  school, 
And  Dick  was  the  scholar  and  Bob  the  fool; 
Richard  and  Robert  were  brothers  twain, 
And  Richard  was  known  tor  hi?  bulging  brain. 

Richard  be  studied  hard  and  late. 
Till  he  earned  a  third-class  certificate. 
And  thereby  money  and  more  renown, 
For  he  taught  a  school  in  his  native  town. 

Then  Richard  he  looked,  and  with  longing  eyes. 
To  a  larger  sphere  and  a  greater  prize; 
And  to  the  city  one  day  went  he 
To  have  a  shy  at  the  C.  S.  E. 

History,  spelling,  arithmetic. 

Were  grist  at  the  mill  of  the  learned  Dick; 

And  the  puzzles  in  grammar  he  saw  clear  through, 

(Though  the  sort  he  spoke  was  a  puzzle,  too). 

He  passed,  and  his  county's  kind  M.  P. 
Passed  him  on  to  Department  O, 
And  there  at  the  minimum  third-class  pay 
He  dreamed  ot  a  Deputyship  some  day. 

He  dreamed;   but  he  woke  to  understand 
That  a  flourishing.  Capital,  copper-plate  hand 
Was  not  the  sort  of  a  hand,  you  see, 
That  could  help  In  busy  Department  0; 

That  a  knowledge,  no  matter  how  deep,  of  "  rules," 
The  erudition  profound  of  schools. 
While  commendable  quite  In  a  G.  S.  clerk. 
Could  have  little  to  do  with  his  C.  S.  work. 

Now,  Robert  "  the  fool "  (the  Devil  such  tricks 
Will  play)  had  gone  into  politics; 
And  he  pleased  his  Great  Party  so  well  that  he 
Wai  made  Deputy  M.  of  Department  O. 

11 


t*-a 


Jim    hotter. 


THE  human  attribute  called  Pride 
By  varied  paths  may  tread  up; 
A  sort  the  satirists  deride 
By  affluence  is  fed  up. 
A  score  unsettled  Honor  frets; 
Deuce  doubles  while  he  daains  bis  debts; 
The  while  the  poorer  Poorboy  gets, 
The  higher  goes  his  head  up. 


(• 


\: 


Jim  Potter  was  a  modest  chap, 

Of  fashionless  pretension; 
For  style  be  did  not  give  a  rap, 

Nor  needed  It  a  mention. 
The  fact  was  patent  as  bis  nose. 
And  copyrighted  on  his  clothes. 
From  neclt  to  knee,  from  top  to  toes. 
And  mocked  at  circumvention. 

Prom  ancient  tile  to  battered  boot 
His  wear  to  we:;r  seemed  wedded; 

He  daily  wore  the  same  old  suit, 
With  trousers  short  and  shredded. 

His  overcoat  was  threadbare-thin; 

He  went  without  a  warm  within. 

And  all  because,  from  source  to  skin. 
Though  chilled,  he  hated  credit 


). 


His  office  was  his  daily  care. 

And  home  his  hope  of  he.,ven. 
For  every  evening  found  him  there 

Love's  dower  to  replevin. 

He  was  the  Oberon  of  toys, 

The  god  of  Nursery  and  Noise 

Among  his  little  girls  and  boys, 

(The  heir  was  only  seven). 


nm  POTTER. 

Hit  wife  WM  quite  another  tort, 
And  well  poor  Potter  knew  it! 

She  wu  the  rery  Queen  of  Sport, 
And  faat  did  she  pursue  it! 

She  had  no  sympathy  with  Jim; 

She  loved  the  social  tide  and  swim. 

And  made  it  Carrie  Potter's  whim 
To  dally  dip  into  It 


She  traveled  In  the  smartest  set. 
And  set  the  smartest  paces; 

While  Potter,  if  he  chose,  might  fret 
Or  hie  to  Helen  Blazes. 

The  men  all  said — I  have  forgot — 

'Twas  friendly-wise,  as  like  as  not; 

Fast  friends  she  had  among  the  lot. 
And  all  had  sung  her  praises. 


Her  goal  and  Mecca  was  each  state 

And  fashionable  function; 
She  served  the  shrine  of  Rich  and  Great 

With  parasitic  unction. 
She  made  her  dearest  Jimmy  call 
And  sign  their  name  at  Rideau  Hall; 
Which  was  to  gall-less  Jimmy  gall 

And  wormwood  of  compunction. 


It 


She  dressed:  her  figure  was  the  pride 

Of  tailoress  and  hero; 
Gave  dinners,  drives,  "At  Homes,"  and  tried 

To  entertain  like  Nero. 
She  cut,  in  deed,  a  jolly  dash 
Without  a  jolly  word  of  cash. 
Which  cut  i)oor  Potter  like  a  lash. 

And  drove  his  peace-  to  zero. 


He  got  into  the  shavers'  hands, 
Although  he  went,  unshaven; 

Debt  daily  dunned  with  dark  demands 
Ill-omened  as  a  raven. 


i 


I 


JIM   POTTKR. 

So  retribution,  ridlnc  ;aat 
On  wlnga  of  warrant,  came  at  last. 
And  cast  them  out  In  aplte  of  caite. 
Without  a  hope  of  haven. 


They  got,  through  Providence,  a  house. 

Though  faouBelesa  In  location; 
Where  Potter  thought  to  chan"    ■  'a  spouse 

By  change  of  clty-way-shun. 
But  mortal  was  her  soul's  disease. 
For  they  might  strip  or  starve  or  freeze. 
It  made  no  difference,  if  you  please, 

In  Mrs.  Potter's  station. 


M 


She  fawned  at  Fashion's  frowning  gates. 

Though  met  by  cut  and  parry; 
She  filled  all  Rldeau's  open  dates. 

With  Tom  and  Dick  and  Harry. 
Her  card  proclaimed  her  calling  day. 
When  she  "  at  home  "  to  "  friends  "  would  stay. 
Who,  paradoxical  to  say. 

Did  and  did  not  miscarry. 

She  had  a  parlor  nine  by  ton, 

In  corners  cobwebs  clung  there; 
It  served  as  nursery  and  den. 

And  clouds  nicotian  hung  there. 
She  called  it,  though,  their  "drawing-room"; 
There  scarce  was  space  to  swing  a  broom; 
But  do  not,  reader  dear,  assume 

A  broom  was  never  swung  there. 


It  was.    For  Potter  Minimus 

Bestrode  and  rode  it  horse-wise; 
Which  made  that  horse-hair  parlor  thus 

Assume  an  aspect  course-wise. 
And  Mrs.  P.  would  make  a  "  attrt " 
By  making  little  Potter  smart— 
I  may  not  name  the  punished  part — 
The  broom  was  wielded  force-wise. 
M 


JIM  POTTER. 


Tht  place  WM  low.    Tlie  tvrtr  eamfl 
To  where  they  now  r raided: 

And  Mra.  Potter— burn,  ig  ehame! 
To  die  lay  down— ant   vile  did. 

Now,  Potter's  low  waa  Fetter's  gain; 

Yet  plain  he  turned  to  Potter's  plain; 

Perhaps  good  fortune  turned  bis  brain. 
For  straight  he  suicided. 

He  lost  a  heaven  on  eatth,  to  gatii 

No  other,  luckless  fellow! 
To  follow  her  must  seem  a  vein 

Of  luck  extremely  yellow. 
Unless  the  Devil,  as  he  may, 
Finds  her  too  warm  to  have  her  stay, 
Shell  gr<!et  him  (Potter  this  will  say 

Reversely)  with  a  "  Hell-o!  " 


i 


'un^^ 


IS 


Superannuated* 


I 


BEHOLD  in  me  a  total  wreck, 
Unfit  for  work,  yet  strong  enough 
To  feebly  draw  my  modest  check 
And  bank  a  portion  of  the  stuff. 
It  seems  to  me  but  yesterday 

I  superannuated  was; 
Yet  twenty  years  have  rolled  away 
And  still  my  health  refutes  the  "  cause." 


I  scale  at  fourteen  stone  and  ten; 

My  chest  is  forty-five,  at  least; 
I'm  fifty  at  the  waist,  but  then 

Through  cutting  down  I  have  increased. 
No  dreary,  dull,  ofilcial  care. 

The  summer  seac^on  out  of  town. 
All  time  bis  nwn,  and  cash  to  spare, 

Should  keep  a  man  from  running  down. 


I. 

I 

k 


Old  Dodson's  house  is  next  to  mine — 

(Though  his  is  mine — he  rents  from  me) ; 
I  see  him  start  uptown  at  nine, — 

That  is,  when  I  am  up  to  see. 
He's  eighty-three,  the  blue  books  state. 

And  so  his  locomotion's  tardy; 
But  faithful  still,  he's  nr  rar  late, — 

A  rare  old  conscientious  card,  he! 


i! 


They  put  a  muflSer  round  his  neck. 

And  fit  him  out  with  cap  and  cane; 
Thus  ofiBceward  he'll  slowly  trek. 

And  then  at  sunset  home  again. 
They  take  of  him  the  greatest  care; 

Too  much,  Indeed,  they  cannot  give; 
For  long  as  death  his  life  will  spare, 

Upon  his  living  they  will  live. 

i« 


^ippipgiw 


BUPEBANNUATED. 

He  had  a  son  who  "  went  away," 

But  left  six  helpless  ones,  Ood  bless  'em! 
And  good  old  Dodson  since  that  day 

Has  lived  to  house  and  feed  and  dress  'em. 
And  sometimes,  when  the  snow  falls  deep, 

Or  streets  are  glass,  and  thaVa  at  zero. 
The  youngest  girl  his  arm  will  keep 

And  guide  the  poor  old  tottering  hero. 

For  years  he  dumbly  worked  away. 

An  "exira"  without  preferment; 
And  then,  at  half  his  current  pay, 

They  kindly  made  him  permanent. 
His  years  of  seivice  thirty-three. 

In  two,  if  he  is  still  alive. 
He'll  draw  (God  give  him  strength,  like  me) 

Two-thirds,  retired,  at  eighty-flve. 


I 


n 


> '  i 


I. 


n 


I 


The  ^Ballad  of  Monsieur  L'Jkveeleree, 


THE  Monsieur  I'Tweeleree 
Was  a  nob  of  high  degree 
In  the  1.  c.  days  of  pre-confederatlon; 
With  a  genealogee 
Of  bis  early  an-ces-tree 

Quite  commensurable  with  his  haughty  station. 
His  progenitor,  a  Gaul, 
Floated  over  in  the  fall 

At  a  period  of  franc  (and  free)  invasion; 
And  he  called  himself  de  Guerre 
Chevalier  I'Pomme  de  Terre, 

To  commemorate,  in  brass,  the  grand  occasion. 


t 

k 


II. 

The  Monsieur  I'Tweeleree, 
By  consanguinity — 

Collateral,  and  votes — became  elected; 
And  his  talents  were  so  vast. 
That  ere  many  moons  were  past 

With  a  post  and  salaree  he  got  connected. 
Then  his  trouble  did  begin, 
For  from  all  his  kith  and  kin 

Came  demands  for  little  promised  Jobs  belated; 
In  particular  one  John, 
Who  did  base  his  claim  upon 

Many  dozen  bribes  and  votes  impersonated. 


III. 

The  Monsieur  I'Tweeleree, 
Grand  Commissionaire  L.  C, 

Pressed  the  button  for  his  private  secretary; 
And  dictated,  with  an  air 
Of  administrative  care, 

A  reply  to  John's  demands  epistolary. 

16 


BALLAD  OF  MONBIEUR  L'TWEELBREB. 


m 


In  a  rault  sepulchral,  grim, 
Archival,  dusty,  dim, 

To  bring  order  out  of  chaos  he  could  try. 
Though  a  task  indeed  Augean, 
Hard,  incessaL.t,  Sisyphean, — 

And  the  secretary  winked  the  other  eye. 


IV. 

The  Monsieur  I'Tweeleree, 
Grand  Commissionaire,  et  c. 

From  his  troubles  took  a  nodding,  napping  rpst; 
And  the  sun,  in  imitation 
Of  that  man  of  state  and  station. 

From  his  daily  round  was  wearing  to  the  West. 
Then,  from  out  that  chamber  dusty. 
Damp  and  dismal,  murky,  musty. 

Came  a  solemn  apparition,  grimy,  gray; 
And  it  said:    "The  task  diurnal. 
Sir,  you  deemed  for  me  eternal, 

Lo,  your  servant  hath  accomplished  in  a  day/  " 

V. 

Spake  Monsieur  I'Tweeleree 
In  an  elevated  key. 

And  his  whiskers  red  took  fire  from  his  rage: 
Cease  your  bragging,  blatant  bellow! 
Get  you  gone,  you  fool  and  fellow! 

Greatest  blockhead,   bovine,   blundering,  of  the 
age! 
Stay!  he  cried,  I  have  a  notion! 
O  digest  it,  dull  Boeotian! 

Unto  dust  return  where  dust  so  long  has  lain; 
Recreate  that  primal  jumble. 
Disarrange,  unsettle,  tumble(?) 

Out  of  order  make  confusion  there  again. 

VI. 

Placer  each  archive,  deed,  and  docket 
In  the  packet,  bole,  or  pocket 

That  it  quite  forgotten  filled  until  to-day; 
Put  each  parchment,  page,  state  paper 

19 


'i  s 


*■   '1 


r 


n 

f 

I 


m 


ass 


BALLAD  OF  MONSIEUR  L'TWEELERES. 


,1 


In  its  litter-all  laie  shape  or 

Pay  me  no  more  calls,  although  you  call  for  pay. 
Set  each  atom,  howe'er  little 
And  impalpably  a  tittle, 

On  the  spot  it  filled  invisible  before; 
Hang  each  cobweb  lacerated 
Just  as  it  had  been  located. 

And  when  that  is  done — just  mix  'em  up  once 
more! 


VII. 


\i 


The  Monsieur  ITweeleree 
Long  ago,  from  office  free, 

Toole  a  higher  flight  (which  made  another  storey) ; 
But  in  spite  of  his  demise, 
John  the  Appointee,  grown  wise. 

Held  his  tongue — and  place — untouched  by  Whig 
or  Tory. 
Long,  for  labor  Sisyphean 
In  that  stable  place  Augean, 

Musty,  fusty,  dry  as  dust  he  drew  his  pay; 
And,  for  aught  I  lenow  about  it, 
Though  Chronology  may  flout  It, 

He  may  still  be  sweeping,  sleeping  there  to-day. 


The    Wist   Gay. 


W 


T 


HERE  was  a  youth  In  Western  Ont, 
And  he  was  wondrous  wise; 
He  filled  a  Civil  Service  "  want," 
And  thought  he  had  a  prize. 


M 


His  dad  was  grieved  to  see  him  go, 

But  had  to  be  content. 
"  My  Tom,"  he   .  avely  said,  "  you  know, 

Is  In  the  Guvv^^rment." 

And  if  he  met  a  stranger  from 

The  Capital,  he'd  say: 
"  By  George!   I  guess  you  met  my  Tom! 

He's  down  at  Ottaway. 

"  The  Prime-ear  sent  for  Tom  to  come, 

And  Tom  he  up  and  went 
He's  with  the  push  down  there,  by  gum! 

He's  in  the  Guwerment" 

Now,  Tom  had  entered  on  meantime 

Those  hardships  incident 
To  zeal  quite  resolute  to  climb 

The  heights  of  preferment 


He  came  to  work  when  dusters  waved 

By  corridor  and  stair; 
To  be  the  very  first,  he  braved 

And  breathed  that  troubled  air. 


1 


While  other  chaps  were  still  abed, 

This  conscientious  clerk 
Had  signed  the  book  an  hour  ahead 

And  started  In  to  work. 

«i 


.i 


THE  WI8B  OUT. 


ii 


UnBelflsbly  he  tried  to  ;~) 
What  others  tried  to  shirk. 

And  they  were  quite  unselfish,  too; 
They  let  him  do  the  work. 


.1 


He  lost  the  glow  of  health,  the  tan, 

The  vigor  he  had  won 
By  working  with  his  arms,  a  man. 

Beneath  the  summer  sun. 


He  lost  the  Inward  glow  of  health. 

The  suppleness  of  limb. 
That  Nature  from  her  boundless  wealth 

Had  given  unto  him. 


i« 


Yet  other  things  might  still  have  been 
That  Nature  bad  denied, 

Had  not  his  county's  member  in- 
considerately died. 


u 


And  since  the  voice  of  Blank,  M.P., 

Was  now  forever  dumb. 
Unto  his  C.  S.  appointee 

Promotion  did  not  come. 


Then  sudden  for  that  appointee 

The  Service  lost  its  charm. 
And  turned  his  thoughts  right  tenderly 

Upon  his  father's  farm. 

He  heard,  imaginative  youth! 

The  reapers  pass  again. 
And  saw  his  sister  stand,  like  Ruth, 

Amid  the  fallen  grain. 


/! 


He  heard,  dear  immemorial  sound! 

The  noon-time  dinner  call. 
And  soft  upon  the  grassy  ground 

The  early  apples  fall. 

a 


^'-  -ff#-'-" 


TBB  WIBB  OUT. 

He  heard  the  flocking  blackblrda  sing 

Across  the  golden  plain. 
And  every  sweet.  Imagined  thing 

Made  music  In  his  brain. 

He  S!i    ,  with  retrospective  eyes, 

Above  the  harvest  land 
The  round,  red  harvest  moon  arise, 

Majestically  grand. 

So  irksome  grew  his  office  lot. 

He  saw  the  Dep.  that  day. 
And  three  weeks'  leave  of  absence  got, 

(And  his  September  pay). 

And  now,  a  youth  In  Western  Ont 

Is  doubly  wondrous  wise. 
He  fills  his  father's  only  want 

And  knows  he  has  a  prize. 


^   ^ 


\     ' 


m 


li 


Stella. 


h\ 


.1 


MAC  NAUGHTON  Falrchild  Buckham  Lee 
Was  Secretary  to  the  Chief: 
Past  years  of  service,  twenty-three. 
His  knowledge,  too,  quite  past  belief; 
That  is,  a  useful,  unofficial  knowledge 
Of  little  things  he'd  learned,  somehovo,  at  college. 

He  lived  on  Latin  roots,  and  loved 

To  dig  them  from  his  dictionary; 
And  words  quite  obsolete  he  shoved 

Into  his  style  epistolary; 
While  phrases  writ  in  foreign  tongues  he'd  find, 
Quite  foreign  to  the  lay  Canadian  mind. 


\,. 


A  formidable  man  was  Mac, — 
That  is,  from  heel  and  toe  to  shoulder; 

Deep-chested,  tall,  and  broad  of  back, 
A  sort  of  human  bull,  or  boulder; 

And,  therefore,  who  so  framed  and  fit  as  he 

To  draw  at  ease  an  ample  salaree? 


He  had  been  best  employed,  'tis  true. 
In  weightier  work  of  handling  cases; 

Material  ones  of  four  by  two, 
O.  H.  M.  S.  for  various  places; 

Containing  stationery  incidental 

To  daily  drudge,  or  dalliance,  departmental. 

But  no.    He  toiled  at  Pitman's  style. 
And  carved  the  pothooks  of  that  system ; 

It  would  have  made  old  Isaac  smile 
To  see  that  clerking  giant  twist  'em; 

Or  pondering  o'er  some  grammalogue  elliptical. 

And  cursing  Its  quaint  curves  for  being  cryptical. 

34 


STELLA. 

It  was  a  famous  sight  to  see. 

Above  bis  caligrapbic  keys, 
The  burly  M.  F.  Buckham  Lee 

Typewriting  with  undoubted  ease; 
Selecting  with  an  air  of  loving  lingering 
Some  coy  young  key  to  fit  his  forceful  fingering. 

And  In  that  office  day  by  day 
There  typed  a  maiden  wise  and  witty; 

And  she  was  modest,  like  her  pay, — 
For  she  was  neither  pert  nor  pretty; 

Having  alone  a  born  and  bred  ability 

For  handling  correspondence  with  facility. 

It  chanced— O  dark  official  fate! 

The  great  MacNaughton  Lee  fell  ill. 
His  medical  certificate — 

It  cost  him  a  two-dollar  bill — 
Said  that  he  needed  rest,  and  recommended 
Three  months  abroad — all  office  care  suspended. 

Then  to  the  Chief's  lull  notice  came 

Miss  Stella,  under  secretary. 
Before,  he  scarce  had  known  her  name. 

But  ill's  the  wind  that  will  not  vary 
ifiss-fortune;  so  at  last,  sans  circumvention. 
Miss  Stella  found  the  Chief's  deserved  attention. 

He  found  Miss  Stella  swiftly  cast, 

A  star  of  never-failing  brightness. 
The  correspondence  ne'er  amassed 

Beneath  alone  her  fingers'  lightness. 
And  so  it  came  to  pass  he  ceased  to  wonder 
How  Mac  had  kef    the  correspondence  under. 

He  did  not  marry  her,  although 
His  gain  might  thus  have  early  ended; 

He  held  the  mastery  sweet,  and  so 
He  held  her  where  her  talents  tended. 

Thus  singularly  doubly  is  he  blessed; 

She  does  the  letters— Mac  may  do  the  "  rest " 


iil 


A    I 


Jack    O'Vee. 


THIS  is  the  story  of  Jack  O'Dee, 
First-class  clerk  in  Department  C, 
Who  made  an  idol  of  clay  his  wife. 
Who  married  him  not  (or  love  but  life, 
Who  squandered  his  money  in  hand,  and  then 
Ran  him  in  debt  (or  the  eyes  of  men, 
Who  winked  and  wondered  that  man  could  be 
As  blind  for  an  idol  as  Jack  O'Dee. 


By  the  grace  of  God  was  Jack  O'Dee 
Wifeless,  and  gray,  at  forty-three. 
Wifeless,  and  worn  with  her  debt's  demands. 
And  children  three  on  his  spouseless  hands. 
Yet  taking  them  oft  to  her  grave,  and  there 
Telling  them  infinite  lies  of  her 
Who  lifeless  as  living  would  ever  be 
The  Idol  of  c'ly  cf  Jack  O'Dee. 


^ 


This  was  the  sum  that  Jack  O'Dee 

Did  for  the  sake  of  his  children  three. 

Did  for  the  sake  of  honor  and  pride, 

And  her  who  had  ret  the  sum — and  died: 

To  labor  till  every  dollar  of  debt 

At  a  hundred  cents  on  the  dollar  was  met. 

And  at  last,  his  neck  from  that  millstone  free. 

Was  lifted  the  head  of  Jack  O'Dee. 


Now,  this  was  the  luck  of  Jack  O'Dee; 
Pre"!  from  all  dobt  but  a  day  was  he. 
From  his  oflBce  table  they  raised  his  head, 
And  hip    ice  it  was  white  and  worn  and  detul. 
Under  his  hand  a  letter  lay, 
Bearing  the  mark  of  the  post  that  day. 
And  some  one  had  left,  across  the  sea. 
Estates  and  a  fortune  to  Jack  0'De«. 

86 


HliiHitwiiUMiiiHiiiliiilta 


Gubbins, 


\  T  came,  a  dream  of  style  and  state. 
1     Of  coronet  and  copperplate; 

The  envelope  betokened  rank, — 
It  bore  HIa  Excellency's  frank. 

It  hit  the  guileless  Gubbins  hard. 
It  was  for  him  a  fatal  card; 
The  simple  grandeur  of  its  crest 
Quite  broke  the  simple  Gubbins'  rest. 

He  ordered  evening  dress  that  day, 
(The  price  took  Gubbins'  breath  away), 
And  bound  himself  in  (k) nightly  fee 
Unto  the  fair  Terpsichore. 

That  is,  he  we  .t  tc  dancing  school. 
And  learned,  by  mathematic  rule. 
And  honest  application,  how 
To  polka,  waltz,  chassA  and  bow. 

And  in  that  gay,  gregarious  whirl 
He  met  a  ripping,  handsome  girl, 
Who  daily  for  her  needed  dough 
Sold  lace  for  Remnant,  Stock  and  Co. 

So  much  his  pleasure  she  enhanced, 
With  no  one  else  he  ever  danced; 
And,  since  her  brother  did  not  come, 
He  saw  her  after  ifaidnight  home. 


The  eve  august  had  come  at  last. 
The  eager  Gubbins'  heart  beat  fast. 
It  grieved  his  kindly  landlayde 
To  see  him  eat  so  little  tea. 


aVBBINB. 

Hia  brand  new  eTenlng  clothen  were  aproAd 
Like  allk  molaaaes  on  the  bed; 
And  a*  he  tried  them  on  with  care. 
He  careleaa  hummed  a  waltzing  air. 

Hia  spirits  could  not  be  repressed; 
He  tried  a  two-step  while  he  dressed; 
Rehearsing,  lest  he  should  forget, 
Hia  dancing  master's  etiquette. 

Complete  by  tailor-plate  and  plan. 
From  tie  to  toe  a  new-made  man. 
But  nervous  as  the  deuce  withal. 
He  started  off  for  Rideau  Hall. 


.1 


Announced  in  clear  stentorian  tones, 
He  made  his  bow  with  shaliing  bonea, 
And  wandered  on  in  doubtful  gloe 
To  join  the  regal  revelry. 


The  ballroom  was,  to  Gubbins'  eight, 
A  thing  of  wonder  and  delight. 
The  ladies'  dresses — and  the  rest — 
With  ardour  filled  his  simple  breast. 

He  wondered  by  what  circumstance 

Of  introduction  he  could  dance. 

And  then, — Chance  gave,  it  seemed,  the  cluo. 

He  saw  two  fellows  whom  he  V.r.ew. 

And  one  was  Jones,  and  one  was  Brown, 
No  sweller  fellows  in  the  town; 
And  each  was  fellow-clerk,  you  see. 
Of  Gubbins  in  Department  G. 


./iV 


I5ut  though  he'd  talked  with  them  that  day 
In  office  in  a  friendly  way. 
They  drew  the  line  at  Rideau  Hall, — 
They  did  not  know  him  now  at  all. 


« 


aVBBllfB. 

Perhaipt  you  will  recall  that  O 
Had  eaten  very  little  tea; 
So,  more  to  view  it  than  consume, 
He  wandered  to  the  aupper-room. 


Now,  Gubbina  was  a  frugal  sort; 
Oastronomy  was  not  his  forte; 
And  that  which  met  his  modest  siKht 
Quite  spoiled   his  gentla  appetite. 


With  clothes  awry  and  faces  flushed, 
Men  Jostled,  shouldered,  elbowed,  pushed. 
It  was  (although  the  figure's  tame), 
A  sort  of  hand-and-foot-ball  game. 

"  Two  salads  here!  "  "  A  glabo  s*.  wine!  ■' 
"Confound  you,  waiter,  that  is  mine!  " 
"  Three  ices!  "  "  Coffee!  "  "  Quick,  a  Jelly!  " 
(God  of  all  gods,  thou  Human  Belly! ) 

Coffee,  w'ne,  cup,  and  all  the  rest  o't. 
Were  spilled  on  gown  and  coat  and  waistcoat: 
And  broad  (shirt)  bosoms  bore  away 
Mementoes  of  that  mortal  fray. 

But  sudden  clear  above  the  noise 
Was  heard  the  high  vice-regal  voice. 
Assuring  those  within  the  hall 
That  there  was  food  enough  for  all. 


Then  Gubbins  saw  to  his  surprise 
Emerging,  but  triumphant-wise, 
From  out  that  press  of  brawn  and  bones 
The  noble  forms  of  Brown  and  Jones. 


V 


They  Joined  two  ladles  Bitting  by. 
And  Gubbins'  calmly  curious  eye 
Grew  sudden  bright  with  interest,  too,— 
The  girls  were  girls  that  Gubbins  knew. 


aUBBlXS. 

The  daughters  of  the  kind  M.  P. 
Who  got  him  in  Depaitmt nt  G, — 
He  took,  through  courtesy,  a  chance 
To  ask  the  eldest  girl  to  dance. 

She  gave  him,  with  a  frigid  stare. 
The  shoulder  cold — as  well  as  bare; 
And,  taking  pattern  from  her  gown. 
She  "  cut  "  his  aspirations  clown. 


'•I 


Then  Gubbins  sought  the  open  a!r. 
Where  he  could  calmly  think — and  swear. 
He  called  himself  a  cursed  fool. 
And  wished  himself  in — dancing  school. 


Bright  thought!    To  see  his  single  fair, 
He  double  paid  to  hurry  there. 
He  found  the  charmer  that  he  sought. 
And  saw  her  home  at  twelve-tbree-nougbt 


M 


^ 


.1 


ao 


I) 


^aiiiiBiiiliii 


^Diaphanous  *Day, 


MAUDE  Madolin  Knight  and  Diaphanous  Day 
Were  birds  of  ofiBcial  leather, 
They  were  parallels  in  a  clcikly  way, 
(Except  in  the  trifles  of  work  and  pay). 
And  wrote  in  one  room  together. 

That  is,  Day  worked  by  her  each  day 
That  Madolin  Knight  was  clerking; 
But  he  worked  by  night  deprived  of  "  K," 
For  she  never  worked  by  night  by  Day, 
As  she  ridiculed  over-working. 

Maude  Madolin  Knight  a  thousand  drew, 

With  a  yearly  increase  of  fifty; 
Six  hundred  per  annum  to  Day  was  due. 
And  he  got  a  yearly  increase,  too, — 

For  his  wifey  was  never  thrifty. 


Now,  Maude  though  plain  was  plump,  and  the  page 

Of  her  years  was  but  thirty-seven; 
And  the  trifling  difference  of  work  and  wage 
Should  have  been  o'erlooked,  at  Diaphanous'  age, 

To  live  In  that  clerking  heaven. 

But  daily  more  dark  Diaphanous'  view 

Became  of  his  sordid,  sad  lot; 
And  he  thought  of  the  bills  that  were  always  due, 
(While  plumper  Miss  Maude  and  her  savings  grew), 

And  the  wherewithal  that  be  had  not. 


n 


And  he  framed  by  night  with  a  hopeful  hand. 

Long  pleadings  epistolary; 
Would  the  Deputy  press  his  just  demand 
When  the  Estimates  were  being  planned? 

And  the  Deputy  murmured,  "  Nary!  " 

81 


if 


DIAPHANOUS    DAT. 

Then  he  sought  the  long  (long  suffering)  ear 

Of  the  Private  Secretary. 
Would  the  Minister  not  incline  to  hear 
His  claim  for  something,  at  least,  this  year? 

And  the  Minister  murmured,  "  Nary!  " 

And  said,  in  an  incontrovertible  way, 

(For  the  hint  was  more  kind  than  subtle), 
"  There  are  scores  of  men  in  my  riding.  Day, 
Who  are  pressing  me  for  your  post  and  pay." 
And  what  had  old  Day  in  rebuttal? 

But  Fate,  in  a  manner  exceeding  grim, 
Brought  Day  his  deferred  promotion. 
And  his  cup  was  filled  to  the  bitter  brim 
When  the  Grippe  took  his  family  all  from  him. 
And  left  him  alone  on  Life's  ocean. 

There  came  to  the  Minister's  room,  they  say, 

A  plain  and  substantial  vision. 
"  I  am  going  to  marry  Diaphanous  Day," 
She  said,  "  so  you  have  to  increase  his  pay, 

And  give  him  a  nice  position!  " 

The  Minister  smiled,  and  inclined  his  head, 
And  his  voice  It  was  bland  and  mellow. 

"  It  shall  be  as  you  wish,  my  dear,"  he  said. 

"  For  I've  always  thought  that  the  man  you'd  wed 
Would  be  a  deserving  fellow!" 


^ 


"^W^ksmt 


^nduaU 


I  COME  most  regular  at  Eight, 
My  punctuality's  unswervin'; 
I'm  sure  I  do  not  wish  to  prate. 
But  still  my  record's  most  deservin'. 
While  others  come  at  half-past  nine. 
It's  always  bin  my  great  ambition 
To  be  the  Very  First  to  Sign 
The  Book,  an'  hold  that  high  position. 


The  offices  an'  corridors 

Is  owned,  when  I  arrive,  by  ladies, 
A-mopping  of  the  stairs  and  floors. 

An'  generally  raisin'  Hades. 
So,  seein'  there's  no  room  for  me 

To  work  (if  I'd  the  inclination), 
I  turn  my  steps  regretfully 

Unto  my  other  destination. 


I've  got  the  marketin'  to  do. 

An'  if  the  mornin's  fine  and  sunny. 
It's  pleasant,  an'  it's  payin',  too, 

When  you've  a  little  ready  money. 
I  like  to  nose  around,  an'  find 

The  price  o'  meat  an'  truck  and  so  on. 
There's  money  saved,  if  you've  a  mind 

To  spare  the  time,  an'  cash  lO  go  on. 

By  nine,  unless  I  get  a  ride, 

With  all  that  I  can  carry  handy 
I  foot  it  home.    I've  no  false  pride, 

I  ain't  no  "Rideau  calling"  dandy. 
An'  maybe,  half-way  home,  I'll  meet 

Some  fellows  to  the  office  dawdlin'. 
Who  grin  like  fools  across  the  street, 

An'  air  their  witticisms  maudlin. 

sa 


\% 


i  ^ 


PDNOTUAL. 

"  What!  workln'  extra  for  the  Chief? 

"  He's  ruined,  If  Ife  by  the  hour. 
"  An*  what's  the  price  of  lamb  an'  beef, 

"An'  cabbage,  corn,  an'  cauliflower? 
"But  won't  he  let  you  *cab  It'  there? 

"  I'm  sure  the  Auditor  would  pass  it. 
"  Contingency  of  travelin'  fare, 

"  Account  of  Maintenance,  he'd  class  it" 


;i 


II 


At  twelve,  quite  punctual,  as  is  due 

To  family  rules,  I'm  off  to  dinner. 
I  try  to  be  on  time  there,  too, 

An'  regularly  I'm  a  winner. 
Then,  after  dinin'  at  my  case, 

A  nap,  a  gossip  with  my  neighbor, 
An'  smoke,  as  punctual  as  you  please 

I'm  oft  again  to  office  labor. 

I'm  through  quite  punctual  at  four. 

But  sometimes,  without  provication, 
Just  as  I've  closed  my  office  door. 

Some  clerk  will  want  "  some  information." 
And  I  just  give  him  some,  you  bet! 

"  Young  man,"  I  says,  "  I  give  you  wamin', 
I've  reg'lar  hours;  an'  don't  forget 

I  signed  the  Book  at  Eight  this  mornin'!  " 


|i 


3^ 


iHiiiiiiiii 


Tapeley, 


OH,  listen  while  I  tell 
The  tale  of  Mr.  Ti^'ljy. 
He  was  a  nice  young  swell, 
So  slender-wise  and  shapely. 
In  cloth  and  cut  his  guise 

Was  paralleled  by  no  man; 
And  in  the  choice  of  ties 
He  showed  a  hand  quite  Roman. 

I  do  not  really  know 

The  Romans  ever  wore  'em. 
I'm  very  certain,  though. 

That  one  chap  did  before  'em. 
Bad  Absalom,  'tis  writ. 

Beneath  an  oak  to  pass  thought; 
Got  neck-tied  up  by  it, 

Which  made  a  knotty  Ascot. 


T.  had  a  nice  fat  sit. 

Though  slenderly  he  filled  it 
Instead  of  warming  It, 

His  cheek  untimely  chilled  it. 
He  toiled  an  oflSce  in 

Of  Departmental  working. 
And  monthly  drew  bis  tin 

i<'or  his  diurnal  clerking. 


Unto  the  favored  few 

Tils  manners  were  punctilious; 
Unto  the  common  crew 

His  air  was  supercilious. 
If  calling,  you  might  wait 

Or  hie  away  to  Hades, 
Vfliile  Tapeley  chose  to  prate 

Per  telephone  to  ladies. 

3S 


t/t 


TAPELEY. 

Young  Tapeley  got  in  there 

By  proximate  exertion; 
Young  Tapeley's  efforts  were 

Phlegmatically  tertian. 
Old  Tapeley's  fluency 

And  ink-well  bagged  the  bounty 
Ot  Y.  R.  Pull.  M.   P. 

For  Mecca  Valley  County. 


i.  '■ 


(»< 


There  to  that  office  came 

One  day  a  woolly  stranger; 
He  did  not  know  bis  name. 

But  Tapeley  murmured,  *'  Granger!  " 
His  garb  was  gray,  and  bagged; 

His  beard  was  long  and  limber; 
No  nob,  although  he  tagged 

A  knobby  piece  of  timber. 


In  gruff,  unfettered  tones 

He  asked  for  Mr.  Tapeley; 
Which  made  young  Tapeley's  bones 

Mandibular  go  gapely. 
The  clerks  slipped  off  to  where 

They  haw-hawed  to  a  hiccough; 
And  left  young  Tapeley  there 

His  wandered  wit  to  pick  up. 


V\ 


1 

.•i|. 


The  stranger  wanted  such 

A  lot  of  information; 
And  questioned  very  much, 

To  Tapeley's  consternation. 
Our  imports,  duties,  trade, — 

Of  such  his  talk  abounded, 
While  Tapeley's  answers  made 

Confusiou  worse  confounded. 


The  knowledge  he  essayed 
To  show  was  past  perplexing; 

His  tongue  likewise  betrayed 
A  rudeness  largely  vexing; 


TAPBLEY. 

Until  at  last  the  gent. 

So  seemingly  agrarian, 
In  Indignation  went 

To  see  the  Secretary  'un. 

Dear  Reader  (I  invest 

My  tale  with  this  assumption), 
The  "  stranger  "  you  have  guessed. 

With  all  a  reader's  gumption. 
Yet— do  not  be  surprised — 

I,  too,  was  wrong,  between  us. 
It  was  not,  as  surmised. 

That  Mecca  Vale  Maecenas. 

Ob,  no!    He  was  a  wig 

Of  academic  luster; 
A  sage  in  science  big 

As  any  school  could  muster. 
His  titular  degree 

Was  syllabic  and  splendid; 
An  abecedary 

Of  sapience  suspended. 

A  man  of  letters  he, 

Beyond  the  scope  of  stanza; 
To  tell  a  tithe  would  be. 

Or  seem,  extravaganza; 
B.  C,  A.  D.,  D.  V.,— 

My  metre  loth  must  lop  'em; 
P.  S.  and  F.  O.  B., 

And  Babonet  to  top  'em. 

And  that  is — entre  nous — 

Why  Tapeley  was  '  retired '; 
Moreover,  P.  D.  Q., 

Though  Pull  his  protest  wired. 
Experience  his  head 

Inherits — dura  mater. 
Meanwhile  he  eata  the  bread. — 

A  cottage  loaf — of  Pater. 


sr 


double  Foolscap, 


/^H,  I  am  a  marginal  waste  of  white! 
^^     Or  blue,  as  the  case  may  be; 

On  which,  in  the  middle,  the  clerks  may  write. 

In  the  middle  precise  of  me. 
And  then  with  a  number,  address,  and  date, 

(For  to  such  Is  my  chiefest  claim), 
A  messenger  carries  me  forth  in  state. 

And  the  Great  Man  signs  his  name! 

Then  forth  I  go  to  the  farming  man. 

Or  My  Lord,  as  the  case  may  be; 
And  each,  according  unto  his  plan. 

Most  solemnly  taketh  me. 
"  Mayhap  'tis  a  gracious  deed  of  land," 

Is  the  sanguine  farmer's  prayer; 
And  he  openeth  me  with  an  eager  hand. 

And  straightway  he  readeth  there: 


"I 

I 

"v 


D.  Q 


■i 


"  Dear  Sir:    The  Department  of  P. 

Begs  to  acknowledge  receipt 
Of  a  letter  lately  received  from  you, 

(It  was  written  on  half  a  sheet!) 
And  this  Department  desires  to  say. 

Without  any  equivocation. 
That  the  subject  of  yours  shall  without  delay 

Have  every  consideration." 

Then  the  farmer  he  smlteth  my  face  in  rage. 

And  he  rends  me  in  twain,  and  then 
On  the  half  of  the  half  of  my  blank  back  page 

He  writes  with  a  rusty  pen: 
"  Dear  Sirs:   Your  Department  I  have  to  thank 

For  the  present  of  stationeree. 
But  a  good  deal  less  paper,  and  none  of  it  blank. 

Would  be  more  to  the  point  to  me!  " 

38 


IMH 


DOVULE   FOOLSCAP. 

My  Lord  he  beholdeth  my  ionlly  crest. 

Yet  seemeth  nothing  to  ca   ,•  he; 
For  he  passeth  me  on  with  tLe  common  rest 

To  his  Private  Secretary. 
And  the  Secretary,  as  one  who  signs 

A  warrant  for  some  one's  head, 
Writeth  "File"  in  large  Ic'  ert,  across  my  lii.es, 

And  this  message  is  filed  unread: 

"  My  Lord:     I  have  the  honor  to  state. 

For  your  Lordship's  Information, 
There  has  been  received  upon  this  date 

Your  Lordship's  communication. 
And  If,  My  Lord,  I  may  say  it  again, 

I  have  but  to  add  one  word. 
That  I  have  the  honor  to  humbly  remain 

Your  obedient  servant.  My  Lord." 


Ig. 


